Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
